Kathryn's Insanity Galore
by Spockytjeuh
Summary: This is what happens when Kathryn Janeway goes insane... This story is starting a life of it's own, read on your own risk! PT for sure, everyone is present... sometimes Chapter 5 is up!
1. Insanity Is All Around!

**Kathryn's Insanity Galore  
**  
**Author:** Julie Dulière  
**Date:** July 19th 2004  
**Genre:** Humor  
**Synopsis:** This is what happens when Kathryn Janeway goes insane...  
**AN:** This may be a very very weird story, but I wrote this when I ate too many chocolate chip cookies and returned from a VERY exhausting sports camp. Don't tell me I didn't warn you!  
  
-----  
It was just another day in the Delta Quadrant. Or so it seemed. Everyone was at their post on the Bridge. Except Captain Kathryn Janeway. She was already half an hour late for her shift and they had calld her twice already. She simply answered: "Shut up." Suddenly the Bridge doors opened, revealing Capain Janeway. In a tennis outfit. Everyone turned around and gasped at the sight.

**Janeway:** Yo!  
**Chakotay: **Uh... Yo. Sup?  
**Janeway:** The usual.

Tuvok, although he is Vulcan, had a rather confuzed look on his face. Tom was very amused with the conversation his commanding officers were having.

**Harry:** Uh Captain, are you all right?  
**Janeway:** Call me Kathryn, handsome.

She winked at him. He slowly stepped to the back till he hit the wall. He tried to hide his fear with a forced smile. Again, Tuvok was confuzed and Tom was even more amused.

**Harry:** Are you uh.. Are you all right, Kathryn?  
**Janeway:** Of course you silly, do I look insane to you?

She walked towards Harry but suddenly she tripped over her own feet.

**Paris:** Do I really need to answer that?  
**Janeway:** Whatever.  
**Tuvok:** Captain, I highly recommend a visit to Sickbay.  
**Janeway:** Kathryn, Tuvok! Call me Kathryn!  
**Paris:** Gee, am I glad I didn't eat Neelix' food last night, what was IN that thing?

Neelix enters.

**Neelix:** Hi Bridge!  
**Bridge crew:** Hi mister Neelix!  
**Neelix:** Did I hear my name?  
**Janeway:** Duh, we just greeted you, moron.  
**Neelix:** Hehe! Captain Janeway, always the stand up comedian of Voyager.  
**Janeway:** I wasn't joking.  
**Neelix:** She should be getting her own show! She's brilliant!  
**Janeway: **Listen to me you failed Bavarian fruitcake, if you're not gonna shut up now, you'll end up beamed in space without a space suit! Is that clear, idiot?  
Neelix: (can't speak due to laughter)  
**Janeway: **Harry, darling, will you beam mister Stupid into space thank you very much?  
**Harry:** Cap... Kathryn, you sure?  
**Janeway:** Of course! Else I wouldn't be ordering you to do it! Now beam him out!  
**Harry:** Aye Capt... Kathryn.

Harry beams Neelix into space and he is, of course, dead. Loud cheers are heard from over the entire ship.

**Janeway:** Sooooo, anyone up for a game of tennis?  
**Paris:** Always am.  
**Harry:** Who will pilot the ship?  
**Janeway:** Hello, there exists something like auto-pilot? Boy Harry, can you be stupid!  
**Harry:** Yes I can Ca... Kathryn.  
**Janeway:** That wasn't a question.  
**Harry:** Oh...

Okay, lets see. Captain Jane...you hear a "Ahem" from Janeway .. Kathryn is standing somewhere between Tactical/Security station and the Ops Station. Chakotay's eyes are about to fall out of his face as he is staring at Kathryn's legs. Tuvok is still a little confused, Paris is, still, amused and Harry's face turned from pale to purple in the past few minutes. Neelix is now dead. little yahoo dance Sorry to Neelix fans. All 3 of them.  
  
-----  
  
That's it for now! I promise to update really soon! I have no idea where this is going to, although I have a tiny little idea for the end. Liked it? Absolutely hated it? Let me know, but please be polite as I **cannot** stand flames. Thank you:)


	2. Bitch Fight!

**Kathryn's Insanity Galore**  
**Chapter 2**  
  
-----  
  
What happened before:  
  
_Okay, lets see. Captain Jane...you hear a from Janeway .. Kathryn is standing somewhere between Tactical/Security station and the Ops Station. Chakotay's eyes are about to fall out of his face as he is staring at Kathryn's legs. Tuvok is still a little confused, Paris is, still, amused and Harry's face turned from pale to purple in the past few minutes. Neelix is now dead. little yahoo dance Sorry to Neelix fans. All 3 of them.  
_  
And now onto chapter 2.  
  
-----

**Janeway:** Yo Chuckles, what are you looking at huh?  
**Chakotay:** I ah.. I was uh... I uh... My sister had the same skirt...  
**Paris:** Of course she had...  
**Janeway:** Hey Flyboy, you still coming for that tennis match?

Suddenly B'Elanna appears on the Bridge out of nowhere, and apparently she heard Kathryn's last sentence...

**Torres:** Capta...  
**Janeway:** _Kathryn!!!_  
**Torres:** Sure... Kathryn. No one calls _my_ Tom Flyboy', except me! Try it again and you're dead!  
**Janeway:** (fearless as usual) See if I care!

She walks towards Tom. B'Elanna, of course, is fuming.

**Torres:** Okay, that's it!

B'Elanna jumps on Kathryn and starts a bitch fight.

**Tuvok:** (excited) Bitch fight! Bitch fight! Bitch fight! Bi... (resumes Vulcan self) Cap... Kathryn, Lieutenant, I believe it would be wise for you two to settle this uh... disagreement without violence.  
**Paris:** Oh shut up, they're fighting for me!! You go girls!  
**Torres:** Tom, you're dead!  
**Paris:** Uh oh... Kathryn! Stop harassing B'Elanna!!  
**Torres:** That's my Flyboy.  
**Harry:** Bitch fight! Bitch fight!  
**Tuvok:** _I_ said that.  
**Harry: **Oh. I'm so sorry! How can I make it up?  
**Tuvok:** (with an evil grin on his face) By serving me forever. Hehehe...  
**Torres:** If you were any other woman I would kill you where you stand!  
**Chakotay: **Uh, you two are lying on the floor...  
**Torres:** Oh. Whatever. If you were any other woman I would kill you where you lie!  
**Janeway:** Oh bummer.  
**Torres:** Bitch!  
**Janeway:** Slut!  
**Torres:** Whore!  
**Janeway:** Klingon!  
**Torres: **Human!  
**Chakotay:** Uh ladies, please!  
**Janeway:** Chakotay?  
**Chakotay:** Yes?  
**Janeway:** Shut the fuck up!  
**Chakotay:** Aye Kathryn!  
**Janeway:** Good boy. Now sit, and stay.

Chakotay listens and sits down on the floor and watches the two women resume their bitch fight.

**Torres: **You dishonourable p'tach!  
**Janeway: **Bloody cow!  
**Torres:** Coffee-bitch!  
**Janeway:** What?  
**Torres:** Coffee-bitch.  
**Janeway:** Oh. Was that supposed to be an insult?  
**Torres:** Think so.  
**Janeway:** Okay... Engineering-geek!

It goes on like this for several hours, you get the idea. Okay I ran out of terms of abuse, all right? I'm a writer, not a genius! Till suddenly...

**EMH: **Boo!!!!!!  
**Bridge crew:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!  
**EMH:** I scared you all, didn't I?  
**Paris:** Actually, no. We just played along.  
**EMH:** Oh. But still, you reacted like people that were scared!  
**Paris:** (rolls eyes)  
**Harry:** I was scared!  
**EMH:** That's nice mr. Kim, very nice.  
**Harry:** Yay!  
**Chakotay:** When is the bitch fight gonna be continued?  
**Janeway:** Shut the fuck up or it will become a Chuckles fight!  
**Chakotay: **Aye Kathryn!Suddenly they hear a weird sound. A sound from a game. Tetris. Everyone looks around... To see Tuvok trying to break the ship's high score. He looks up and sees everyone staring at him. He excuses himself and turns off the sounds and continues playing.  
  
-----  
  
That's it for chapter 2! Comments, welcome as usual:) I know this is completely weird, but actually, I like it even thought it's me saying it. Chapter 3 should be up really soon! Thanks for reading! 


	3. Tetris is fun! Poking is not, Kes

**Kathryn's Insanity Galore  
Chapter 3**

**A/N:** Sorry it took me 6 months to come up with this, I just never got around to it! Sorry!**  
**-----

What happened before:  
_Ok. Neelix is dead, he was beamed in space. Kathryn wanted to play tennis. Chuckles stared at her legs. Harry was being the geek. Tom said he wanted to play tennis with Kathryn, B'Elanna interferes and we have a bitch fight(woohoo, you go girls!). And in teh end Tuvok was caught playing Tetris._

Now onto Chapter 3:

-----

**Torres:** I'm bored of this bitch fight. Let's solve this like mature people.  
**Kathryn:** Ok, what are you suggesting?  
**Torres:** Tom is mine and not yours so you just leave him alone.  
**Kathryn:** But I want a cute guy too! (pouts)  
**Chakotay:** You have me!  
**Kathryn:** Never mind...

While Chuckles is disappointed by Kathryn's statement, Tom and B'Elanna start making out in the middle of the Bridge. No one seems to care. When suddenly...

**Tuvok:** YESSSSSS!!!! Hahhaaaaaa in ya face Seven, I beat your high score! (does a strange chicken-like dance) I am the beeeheeest, I am the beeeheeest, nanananananana! (sticks tongue out)  
**Entire Birdge Crew:** ...

Seven enters the Bridge. Obviously upset because of something. But first she notices her G-string isn't confortable so she tugs at her suit. That's better.

**Seven:** Your annoying behaviour is not very Vulcan, is it?  
**Tuvok:** (completely Vulcan) What annoying behaviour?  
**Seven:** Never mind... So tell me, what is your secret?  
**Tuvok:** What secret?  
**Seven:** To beating my high score of course!  
**Tuvok:** If you wish, we can play in 2 player mode and I can show you.  
**Seven:** Yaaaaaayyyyy! (squees)  
**Entire Bridge Crew minus Harry:** ...  
**Harry:** (whines) I wanna play too!  
**Tuvok:** You can play to the person that wins our game.  
**Harry:** All right!!!!! (cheeky grin)

Kes shows up out of nothing. (Oh lord NO, not _her_!)

**Kes:** Hey everybody! I've returned to pester you all. Isn't that great?  
**Kathryn:** Uh no. I thought we got rid of you 2 years ago but NOOOOOOO, you had to come back...  
**Seven:** Get lost bitch, you got fired because you scared the audience away so they took ME in your place, SEE YA!  
**Kes:** And just who the fuck are you?  
**Seven:** I am Seven Of Nine Tertiary Adjunct Of Unimatrix Zero One, but to the guys that's sexy bitch.  
**Chakotay:** Well hello Sexy Bitch.  
**Kathryn:** Chuckles, off!  
**Chakotay:** Yes, Kathryn!  
**Kathryn:** Good boy.  
**Kes:** So, who may I pester?  
**EMH:** Oh Kes, it's lovely to see you back, you may pester me!  
**Kes:** But I can't poke you to death, can I?  
**EMH:** I'm afraid you can't.  
**Kes:** So, who else may I pester with my annoying attitude?  
**Kathryn:** Just get lost!  
**Kes:** I'm gonna cry if I can't pester someone! (starts pouting)  
**Harry:** Ok, you can pester me!  
**Kes:** Yay! (pokes Harry)

Mr. Berman shows up and drags Kes away from the Bridge.

**Entire Bridge Crew:** WOOHOO!

-----

Ok so I hate Kes. Pretty obvious. Sorry this chapter sucked majorly. I'll try to get the next chapter up soon, and I'll try to make it crazy too!


	4. Voyager Idols' Part I

**Kathryn's Insanity Galore**  
**Chapter 4**  
**A/N**: I apologise for the not so very great third chapter. I just got an ingenious idea(lol) so here's the next chapter. I hope you like it!  
-----

What happened before:  
_Tuvok broke Seven's high score in Tetris and now Tuvok is teaching her how he did that. Kathryn and B'Elanna worked out their bitch fight(awwwww!) and Kes showed up (shudder) but mr. Berman got rid of her._

Now onto chapter 4:

-----

**Kathryn:** I'm bored.  
**Chakotay:** Me too.  
**Harry:** Me three.  
**EMH:** (sighs at Harry's last comment)

Everything is quiet for a while. Everyone is either busy playing Tetris, making out with their love of their life, or just sitting and being bored. When suddenly...

**Kathryn:** (sings) Yooo  
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,  
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,  
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,  
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,  
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really  
really really wanna zigazig ha!  
**Entire Bridge Crew minus Chakotay:** . . .  
**Chakotay:** That was lovely Captain! You should try in American Idol!  
**Kathryn:** Cool idea. You know, why don't we all sing a song? Hmmm?  
**Chakotay:** Ok!! I'll do the next one!

Chakotay gets up, clears his throat and gets ready for his act.

**Chakotay:** (sings) I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt  
Too Sexy For My Shirt  
So Sexy It Hurts  
And I'm too sexy for Milan  
Too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan

I'm too sexy for you party  
Too sexy for your party  
The way I'm dis--

(BANG!) Kathryn hit Chakotay on the head with a spoon.

**Kathryn:** He bored me. And he really didn't have to take off his shirt if you ask me...  
**Harry:** I thought he was great!  
**Kathryn: **Right. You wanna go next?  
**Harry:** Ok. But I need to think first.  
**Paris:** Don't hurt yourself.  
**Kathryn, Torres and Tuvok:** (snort)  
**Harry:** (sings) Fly me to the moon,  
that way I'm closer to Earth  
That way I'm out of this  
fucking quadrant real soon--  
**Kathryn:** The **correct** words please, Harry.  
**Harry:** Whatever, I sang.  
**Chakotay:** I liked it. Really catchy.  
**Kathryn:** It was ok. Anyone else wants to sing?

Kathryn looks around the Bridge. Tom and B'Elanna seemed to be discussing something. Tuvok had beaten Seven in Tetris and she was whining like a baby. Now Harry and Tucok were playing against each other.

**Paris:** Me and B'Elanna would like to sing a song.  
**Kathryn: **Coolios, go ahead.  
**Paris:** (sings) I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control  
Cause the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'  
**Torres:** (sings) You better shape up, cause I need a man,  
and my heart is set on you  
**Paris and Torres:** You're the one that I want (you are the one I want),  
ooh ooh ooh, honey  
The one that I want (you are the one I want),  
ooh ooh ooh, honey  
The one that I want (you are the one I want),  
ooh ooh ooh, honey  
The one I need (the one I need),  
oh yes indeed (yes indeed)

This was by far the best they all had seen. They didn't continue singing because right now they were more occupied with each others tongues than with the song, ahem.

**Kathryn:** That was really great. But can't you guys go and make out somewhere else? Like, NOT in the middle of my Bridge?  
**Chakotay:** (staring at Kathryn's legs again) Let them Kathryn.  
**Kathryn:** Whatever. Who's up next?  
**Seven:** I would like to sing.  
**Kathryn**: Okay, go ahead!  
**Chakotay:** (swallows when Seven is right in front of him)  
**Seven:** (sings) Man, I feel like a Borg babe!--  
**Kathryn:** No you are **NOT** singing that song and changing the lyrics! We do NOT need our male crew insane. (eyes Tom and B'Elanna) If they're not so already...  
**Seven:** Ok. Then I'll sing another song.  
(sings)My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,  
and they're like,  
it's better than yours,  
damn right it's better than yours,  
I can teach you,  
but I have to charge!  
**Entire Bridge Crew:** O...K...  
**Kathryn:** (turns to the camera... a little too close because her nose is as flat as a wall now...) We're sorry but Voyager Idols part 1 is over for now! We'll be right back with part 2, which will include The Doctor and Tuvok and of course, the winners! (grins like a fool)

-----

Right. I don't know why I wrote it. I just wanted Chakotay to sing I'm Too Sexy and I wanted Kathryn to make the remark he didn't have to take off his shirt. Call me sick if you want P Lets see. The songs. They're not mine.  
Wannabe is by the Spice Girls, not by Kathryn Janeway.  
I'm Too Sexy is not by Chakotay but by Right Said Fred.  
Fly Me To The Moon is originally by Frank Sinatra but the little version Harry sang, was mine )  
You're The One That I Want is unfortunately not by Tom and B'Elanna but by John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John.  
Man! I Feel Like A Woman is originally by Shania Twain, Man! I Feel Like A Borg Babe is mine though!  
Milkshake is an amazing song. And not mine. But Kelis's.


	5. Voyager Idols 2 & The Warning!

**Kathryn's Insanity Galore**

**Chapter 5**

**A/N:** Right. Voyager Idols part 2. Took me several months to re-write, replace the songs and all that, but I finally managed, here's... (drumroll) Chapter 5! Enjoy!

-----

What happened before:

_Voyager Idols! Neelix is dead. Kes came and went.Tetris is important in the life of Tuvok and Seven. Harry's being whiny and annoying as usual. Guess what Tom and B'Elanna are doing, you get 50 bucks if you're right. Not. Chuckles is plain weird. And Kathryn is insane of course!_

Now onto chapter 5:

-----

**Janeway:** (her nose is still against the camera) Welcome back everyone! Voyager Idols had a wonderful part 1 and coming up now is part 2!

**Chakotay:** Okay Tuvok, your turn!

**Tuvok: **Vulcans do not sing.

**Janeway: **Of course they do, I heard you singing in the shower 2 days ago! What was it again? Oh I remember!

(sings) My loneliness is killing me

(And I) I must confess

I still believe (Still believe)

When I'm not with you I lose my mind

Give me a siiii-iiiiiign

Hit me baby one more time

(slutty Britney dance)

**Tuvok:** I did not.

**Janeway:** You did!

**Tuvok:** Did not!

**Janeway:** You did!

**Tuvok:** Did not!

**Janeway:** You did!

**Tuvok:** Did not!

**Janeway:** You did!

**Tuvok:** Did not!

**Janeway:** You did!

**Tuvok:** Did not!

**Janeway:** You did!

**Tuvok:** Did not!

**Janeway:** You did!

**Tuvok:** Did not!

It goes on like that for a while. Till suddenly...

**Kes: **Look who escaped from the scary man? ME! (grins)

**Janeway:** No, not _you_ again... If Rick can't... (snaps fingers) Oh Brannon, baby?

Brannon Bragga runs up to the Bridge.

**Brannon:** Yes m'lady?

**Janeway:** Could you remove Kes, pretty please with a cherry and chocolate sauce and... oh don't forget a cookie ontop?

**Brannon:** Of course m'lady.

Brannon grabs Kes, sweeps her over his shoulders, blows a kiss to Janeway and disappears.

**Janeway:** There. So where were we? Ah yes! (continues slutty Britney dance) Didn't you do that Tuvok?

**Tuvok:** Oh PLEASE Kathryn, you should at least shake your ass a bit more! Like _this_. (starts dancing and singing)

With the taste of you lips I'm on a ride

You're toxic I'm slipping under

With the taste of a poison paradise

I'm addicted to you

Don't you know that you're toxic?

B'Elanna gasps for air, lets go of Tom and goes to stand in the middle of the Bridge.

**Torres:** Excellent song Tuvok! Though I could do it better! (sticks out tongue) Okay here it goes.

Sets her hair to 'wild' and takes off her uniform top.

**Torres:** (sings as raped as only a half Klingon with a high hormone level can... ((Well maybe I can as well... I mean hello TOM is there! I mean, wouldn't ANY girl just THROW herself at him? Ouch B'Elanna stop poking me! _I'm_ the writer here and I could easily make Tom mine! (B'Elanna looks shocked) Okay, you win... For now... Muahahahahahaha bwaaaahahahahaha!)) anyway, she sings...)

Baby can't you see

I'm calling

A guy like you (points at sexy Tom) should wear a warning

You're dangerous

I'm fallin...

She throws herself at Tom and they start making out again while the music keeps on playing. Instead Tuvok starts singing and finishes the song, better than Britney ever could.

**Janeway:** See Tuvok, I _knew_ you could do it! Okay Doc, you're up next!

**EMH:** Be patient, I am picking a song...

Naomi innocently walks on the Bridge. She's shocked to say the least when she sees just what everyone is doing.

**Naomi:** Uhm Captain?

**Janeway:** It's Kathryn, sweetie!

**Naomi:** Uhm... Kathryn... What's going on?

**Janeway:** We're having fun!

They converse like that for a while when they suddenly hear something, faint but audible.

**Torres:** So tell me, just where (smooch) is that (smooch) warning of your.. (smooch)

**Paris:** Oooh you (smooch) wanna know that (smooch) huh?

**Torres:** (husky) Oh yes! (smooch)

**Paris:** (playful) Try me...

**Torres:** In_ here?_

Kathryn quickly runs to Naomi and covers her ears. B'Elanna tries to find out where Tom's warning is...

**Torres:** You might (smooch) have left it in (smooch) my quarters...

**Paris:** You could (smooch) be (smooch smooch smooch) right...

**Torres:** Lets (smooch) find out...

They make their way off the Bridge... Sort of, they trip at least 5 times because their legs are tangled up and they hit everything and everyone on their way. Talk about being busy... (Julie sighs jealously)

**Janeway:** (blinks, then looks at the Doctor again) So, you picked a song yet?

**EMH:** Yes I think so... It's a tiny bit altered...

**Janeway:** Whatever, just get going.

**EMH:** (sings)

I'm a holo-boy

In a holo-woooooorld

Life as photons

Better than Proton's

**Janeway:** (trying to make him stop) THANK YOU, Doctor. Ahem.

**Bridge crew minus Paris, Torres and Janeway:** (claps)

**Chakotay:** Kathryn?

**Janeway:** Yes?

**Chakotay:** Wanna help me find _my_ warning? (waggles eyebrow)

**Janeway:** (looking all horrified at Chakotay's expression and stepping back) Try your office... (hides behind Harry, who is still playing Tetris with Tuvok)

B'Elanna runs up to the Bridge with an underpants in her hand. She's obviously very happy.

**Torres:** Look what I found! (waggles the underpants)

Tom runs up to the Bridge still trying to straighten his bathrobe, that he had obviously just put on.

**Torres:** It's Tom's warning! It's right _here_!

She shows the underpants saying 'This is my warning... Rawr' to the Bridge crew. Tom turns purple of embarassment(awwww poor thing!).

**Torres:** That's SO sexy!

She grabs Tom and they disappear from the Bridge again.

**Janeway:** (is jealous) I _knew_ I shouldn't have played hard to get.

**Chakotay:** (comes up right behind her and says in a low voice) I'm still available, babeh!

**Janeway:** (screams like a little girl) AAAAAARGH!

-----

Okay, the songs.

Toxic and Baby One More Time are obviously by Britney Spears. Kudos for Toxic hun:P

Barbie Girl is by Aqua but THAT version is MINE and mine alone! (grabs it and runs away)

-----

Hehehehe, admit it, this was great! Hahahaha OMG this is my favourite chapter so far! Yes in case you didn't already knew this, I'm absolutely crazy about Tom (I'm sure there's many of you out there!) and well I couldn't restrain myself and this is after all MY story so yeah I made a little note or two...

Reviews are always welcome, I love to receive them! Especially nice ones! ;) Feedback and NICE criticism is welcome at 


End file.
